Growing up in the church, I felt like I always had to make sure I was saying and doing the right things. Looking back, I don't know why I felt that way except for fear of disappointing my parents, and perhaps fear of the consequences of life without the church - which I was taught meant pure misery. You had to be in or out. There is no gray, no in-between. But it's not like my parents were unbearably strict or extremely orthodox. My mom would (somewhat reluctantly) let me make my own choices as a teenager and my dad always portrayed an open-mindedness that sort of fueled my wonder and curiosity about life, the world, and everything. But I clung to the church and its teachings - because it was all I knew - it was everything and everywhere. It dictated my entire earthly existence and beyond. I knew exactly what I wanted from life. And so I did it all, without even thinking there were other options. I got married (at 21 because I knew I didn't want to go on a mission like all my siblings), finished my bachelors, and soon after realizing I didn't love having a job, had kids. Luckily for me, my spouse is a good person. And luckily for us, we love each other and we have gone through our anxieties and doubts over the church mostly together. In fact, I don't know that I would have examined my beliefs so closely except for him and his own "faith crisis."
So, why do we still go to church even though we don't believe most of the mormon doctrine and profoundly disagree with many policies/views the church maintains? I think mostly because of our families. 1) Because we have kids and we want them to be able to understand where their cousins, aunts & uncles, and grandparents are coming from, and we even want to give them the choice of accepting it for themselves or finding something else 2) Because it is so much a part of us, it is in our blood, it is our heritage (I am remembering something you said that night about defending mormons), we like mormons for the most part and feel like they are still our people, so to speak - it provides a nice network/community/support system 3) It gets the kids out of our hair for a couple or hours on the weekend, for free - I mean it - if we go to church on Sunday, I don't have to try and keep the boys from doing too much screen time (video games, tv, computer) or keep them from fighting with each other and most of the time while they are in primary, I just go out to the car to read instead of sitting in gospel doctrine and MAYBE go back in for relief society, but less and less these days because I come home with some anxiety when I realize how little I relate these days.
It's sometimes strange for me that my beliefs have changed. This doubt. And I'm just trying to become comfortable with uncertainty. But I am not too far removed from my past self, the believer. I clearly remember what kinds of thoughts I would have about non-members, non-believers, doctrines, "the spirit", the prophets, Jesus, ordinances & priesthood, word of wisdom. And it's kind of disturbing to me. How could I have changed so much? But also, how could I have believed those things and been so judgmental?
What I cling to now is my online community of edgy mormons or ex-mormons and I seek out friendships with those I discover are nearby. I want to find role models for staying that work for me. I don't know many intelligent, likable, strong women who stay in the church despite the parts they disagree with. Some of these women are friends, some are individuals I have run into at Mormon women's retreats. But they aren't in my ward or daily/weekly circle of friends (at least not anymore). When I interact with these women at the Exponent retreat or read their writing or about them, it makes me want to stay and have both, especially when I have been feeling down about finding a way to fit. I want to have the best of both worlds - the love and community of the church, but also have my own ideas about god and spirituality.
So, why do we still go to church even though we don't believe most of the mormon doctrine and profoundly disagree with many policies/views the church maintains? I think mostly because of our families. 1) Because we have kids and we want them to be able to understand where their cousins, aunts & uncles, and grandparents are coming from, and we even want to give them the choice of accepting it for themselves or finding something else 2) Because it is so much a part of us, it is in our blood, it is our heritage (I am remembering something you said that night about defending mormons), we like mormons for the most part and feel like they are still our people, so to speak - it provides a nice network/community/support system 3) It gets the kids out of our hair for a couple or hours on the weekend, for free - I mean it - if we go to church on Sunday, I don't have to try and keep the boys from doing too much screen time (video games, tv, computer) or keep them from fighting with each other and most of the time while they are in primary, I just go out to the car to read instead of sitting in gospel doctrine and MAYBE go back in for relief society, but less and less these days because I come home with some anxiety when I realize how little I relate these days.
It's sometimes strange for me that my beliefs have changed. This doubt. And I'm just trying to become comfortable with uncertainty. But I am not too far removed from my past self, the believer. I clearly remember what kinds of thoughts I would have about non-members, non-believers, doctrines, "the spirit", the prophets, Jesus, ordinances & priesthood, word of wisdom. And it's kind of disturbing to me. How could I have changed so much? But also, how could I have believed those things and been so judgmental?
What I cling to now is my online community of edgy mormons or ex-mormons and I seek out friendships with those I discover are nearby. I want to find role models for staying that work for me. I don't know many intelligent, likable, strong women who stay in the church despite the parts they disagree with. Some of these women are friends, some are individuals I have run into at Mormon women's retreats. But they aren't in my ward or daily/weekly circle of friends (at least not anymore). When I interact with these women at the Exponent retreat or read their writing or about them, it makes me want to stay and have both, especially when I have been feeling down about finding a way to fit. I want to have the best of both worlds - the love and community of the church, but also have my own ideas about god and spirituality.
1 comment:
heheh... I liked to got to church for a similar reason: it would get my son out of my hair for a bit.
but currently, we aren't attending. I found myself in the very odd position of being the one who didn't believe and would rather not go yet STILL had to be the one stressing about getting everyone out the door on time. That was messed up.
I also have similar feelings about my LDS heritage, and wanting to find someway to still fit in, to belong, to participate... but currently, in this ward at least, it has worked out really nicely for my mental health to just not go.
but then I read something, or have a particular experience... and all over again I question my particular location.
/groan.
ya...
everything you said.
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