Sunday, before the bishop came over, I was already feeling weird about stuff. Weird because usually when I imagine myself trying to "go back" to believing things I used to be so sure about, I couldn't even conceive of it. But I don't know if my imagination was working overtime or what, because I kept picturing it throughout the afternoon. Or maybe I was just pinning down a memory of what I used to feel and think about spiritual things. But the thought would come to me: What if I decided I believe some of this religious stuff again? (key word: some) There are things I could never believe anymore, but could I believe enough to fit back into a rhetoric with God and Jesus in the center of my spirituality? And imagining this sort of thing was freaking me out. Because part of me doesn't believe that's possible. Part of me doesn't want it to be possible.
I wonder if my soul or spirit or some psychological part of me is yearning to have something back, even if it's just prayer revisited or some personally tailored ritual that will at least bring back some spirituality. Because that could be what I feel is really missing. I think I'm a lazy person. I know what is good for me and what I need to feel good most of the time, but don't want to put too much effort into anything that isn't exciting to me. The church made my spiritual life a given. It was already thought out and totally available to me like a to-do list and instructions; it was just a matter of fact. Now that I've let go of the church, I probably just need to get into gear and figure some spiritual things out for myself for once. And make time for them. Like meditating. It seems like a great option. I had a fantastic experience at the Sophia Gathering when (is it Judy?) played her flute while we meditated. But it's a lot like exercise to me (something I don't find very exciting so I don't find much time for). I think about it but rarely carve out time for it, let alone figure out some routinen that will work for me. Another thing I did a bit of lately (before classes started for me) was read Mary Oliver. When I look back on it, that seemed kind of like a spiritual boost. So, what are your suggestions? Experiences? Routines?
For the record, I feel good this morning. In fact, I haven't felt this good in the morning for a while. I didn't wake up with a headache and my mind seems unclouded. I wonder if some of that goodness has to do with letting myself write and connect this way. Thanks for reading.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Some info
I will call myself Hazel Motes.
I am a disaffected Mormon who for some reason or other, sometimes wants to stay in the church, and therefore, is trying to find out where and how I will fit. This is where I plan to spew my thoughts on the matter.
My husband I will call Jim (as in Halpert, at his request). He may also be referred to as "Big Tuna" or "Tuna" or just "Big" depending.
We have some children. They will simply be referred to as my kids. Or my children. Or my first child. Or my second child. Etc.
I am a disaffected Mormon who for some reason or other, sometimes wants to stay in the church, and therefore, is trying to find out where and how I will fit. This is where I plan to spew my thoughts on the matter.
My husband I will call Jim (as in Halpert, at his request). He may also be referred to as "Big Tuna" or "Tuna" or just "Big" depending.
We have some children. They will simply be referred to as my kids. Or my children. Or my first child. Or my second child. Etc.
5 comments:
In my experience, speaking truth does clear one's head. It's scary, but _real_.
I do suggest meditation. Set a time for 10 min, sit in a comfy position on the floor with a tall, straight back, and light a candle (as long as you're not allergic). Staring at the candle can help you to focus your mind & also reminds you of the light and energy that comes from within (think of a similar flame burning inside your chest, right about where your sternum is).
Reading poetry (esp Mary!!)is good, too. I've been thinking of having a "Mary Monday" on my blog just to post pics and excerpts of her work. Do you want to join in on this project with me?
I wish I had suggestions! your experience eerily mirrors mine. especially the wondering about if I could ever go back. I wondered (wished?) that for a good while (not so much now, but a good deal a few years ago).
and I had that craving for some sort of ritual/spirituality that you mention. I went through a phase where I visited other churches a lot, Quaker, Episcopalian, Unitarian, United Church of Christ (mostly christian, all liberal) and had some good experiences...
but never felt like I had found another faith community to join.
I just heard an interview with Rosanne Cash (johnny's daughter) and she said something about belonging to the religion of music and art and the pronouncements of small children.
very much what works for me right now. Poetry, reading, art, (others art and making my own) music. yah.
and I'm glad you had a good morning. :)
btw, not sure if it's the same as you are going through, but I struggled tremendously with depressing as I went through my 'trial of faith' (hate that phrase). I think it was just a lot of change and upheaval and deeply ingrained stuff being uprooted. I had headaches, apathy, fatigue, insomnia, staying all day in bed, etc...
things eventually stabilized. that rough patch passed. It DOES get better.
When I began to see spirituality less rigidly -- when I stopped viewing it as "either/or" and stopped (mostly) letting new spiritual ideas trigger an existential Mormon Crisis (many years of that) -- I began to reclaim some of the spiritual peace I had in early college when everything seemed less complicated (mostly because I was willfully ignoring the stuff that could cause me pain).
I'm surprisingly "into" prayer these days, and have added meditation and the rosary to my prayer life. Actually, the rosary *revived* my dying prayer life.
When we meet in NYC, I'm going to take you to the Mary Chapel in St. Patrick's cathedral . . . if nothing else, it's a beautiful place to stare in wonder and a beautiful woman :)
I often wonder what has saved God and Jesus for me. I look at the path so many of my friends have taken, and I wonder why I too am not more atheist or agnostic.
I think liberal Christianity saved God and J.C for me. Seeing these super progressive, peace loving, justice seeking people who are patterning their lives after J.C and the spirit of his rather radical teachings - well, that works for me. Thank God for the liberal Christians, I say.
(Not that I have a super fulfilling spiritual/devotional life, even though I do believe in God. I find progressive prayers of others moving and beautiful, but have not yet figured out how to incorporate them into my own life. Deborah, I want to know more about the rosaries!)
Caroline:
My favorite prayer in the rosary is the optional final Salve Regina (taught to me by my ultra-orthodox Catholic friend -- I've been fascinated to see the Mary devotion among both ends of the spectrum in Catholicism).
Hail, holy Queen, Mother of Mercy!
Our life, our sweetness, and our hope!
To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve,
to thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears.
Turn, then, most gracious advocate,
thine eyes of mercy toward us;
and after this our exile
show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb Jesus;
O clement, O loving, O sweet virgin Mary.
Pray for us, O holy Mother of God
That we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.
Post a Comment