Now, it wasn't ALL his influence, to be sure. My Mormon study group friends and women's book group constantly left me with increasingly interesting questions to mull over.
(Does this post sound like I'm trying to convince myself of something?)
When I compare the follower-faith-journey-dilemma to my soda drinking habits, it makes me depressed. I honestly don't believe that I would drink diet coke every day if it weren't for Jim. I swear he started it. As soon as he had diet coke in the fridge on a regular basis (instead of that nasty code red mountain dew), I was doomed. I would have one occasionally. Then find myself, just because it was THERE, having one with my lunch every day. I would worry out loud about it and he would say that everyone needs a vice. It used to be that if it weren't already there, I wouldn't drink it. Now, if there isn't any left in the fridge, I'll be the one buying more! And I kind of hate that I do it. But it tastes so good to me.
But is that comparison even fair? I look at drinking lots of soda on a daily basis as an unhealthy practice - not good for people in general. But is leaving the religion (doctrinally, if not physically) you were raised in a bad thing? It probably seems like a bad thing according to your parents, and to those who fully believe. It is totally a bad thing according to the teachings of the institution itself. And when a Mormon has doubts about her doubts, her upbringing is so deeply ingrained that she thinks it's because she's slowly being led through the mists of darkness towards the great and spacious building.
The thing is, I like where I am, especially when I think of the person I was 8 years ago. Even though it is anxiety-producing place, often full of uncertainty. But still, I know what the course I've taken might look like from the outside. Like I'm blindly following my husband out - or like I'm following in a sort of passive way, to avoid marital conflict. That image really bothers me. And it makes me question my beliefs and decisions. I ask myself if that's what I'm doing. I imagine scenarios where I have changed my mind about things, and ask myself how I would feel NOT being on the same page as my husband in my beliefs.
There is just something in me that wishes I differed from Jim on more things, so I could feel more certain of my independence - in the direction of my spiritual path, and in making decisions that have to do with me alone. Or can any of my decisions really only have to do with me? I just wish it were easier for me to see the individuality and authenticity.
4 comments:
Yeah, let's talk about this when we get together. This was one of my big worries when I married Mike. My biggest crisis of faith coincided with my relationship to this non-Mormon guy. I asked these questions all. the. time. I still don't know what the answers are, how my path would be different if I had married within the church. But I can say now, more than ever before, that being with him IS my path. Lots to mull.
This is "Jim" here. I should also say that I am pretty sure that I would not have left the church if I had married someone other than "Hazel," especially if that someone had been more willing to exploit my moments of doubt and anxiety to get me back on a path to becoming someone scared and orthodox. So, for me, there's little doubt in the matter: Hazel's unconditional love and willingness to listen to my deepest fears and doubts made possible this new way of being and thinking. And I'll always be grateful for it!
I often tell Hazel that her insecurities about independence put her in something of a double-bind: either she's just following me out of the church because I'm so persuasive (and handsome!) and it's just the easier path, OR she stays in the church and simply adheres, like a follower, to the dogma she grew up with. Either way, she can reasonably be afraid that she's simply following "other" paths. The only thing she can do, I think, is something TOTALLY unique, independent, and free: and it should involve, at the very least, lightening-bolt tattoos (you'll know, Hazel, when the time is right to unleash it!). Or, I guess, there's always Islam, Buddhism, Zen, or whatever.
In the end, isn't it always true that we end up where we are (and thinking what we do) because of the associations we have? I think this is unavoidable, but not necessarily a bad thing. One's conscience and sense of what is the "right" path is always going to be a constant negotiation between what we learn from others and what feels right to ourselves.
I think about this too. For my part, I wonder if I am where I am because of where Mike is. He is such a rock, such an anchor that I feel like I can just go all crazy and explore and doubt and it will all be ok, because he never changes. He and the church will always be there.
Now if he were a doubter and struggling with all sorts of Mormon things, I wonder if I'd be the one to say, let's look for the good things in the church, etc. It's entirely possible. I think I'm just perverse like that.
(heheh, we just got around to watching Jim and Pam's wedding last night on the office, so reading "Jim's" comment here made me smile. thx for that.)
k, it's taken me a while to get up the verve, or collect my thoughts, or whatever, enough to make a comment on this post. Because it really hits close to home about a lot of my insecurities about what my doubt (then disbelief and departure) has meant for our family. I've worried about the (negative?) influence I've had over my own husband as my path has lead our whole family away from the church. I've discussed this quite a bit with him, trying to calm my guilt that I have forced a road on him he is uncomfortable with...
but the bottom line is we are tighter now, stronger now than we have ever been in our marriage.
his mind works differently than mine; questions of doctrine, teachings, history, etc are just not on his radar. at all. He never was the "I know this with every fiber of my being" type of person.
so at least there wasn't huge spiritual condemnation issues.
alright, rambling now... it's enough to say that this is something that used to be on my mind quite a bit. still is to some extent, but not as much.
good luck.
hugs and kisses
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