10.12.2009
A talk with the bishop
I never knew it would feel like this. Taking the path I've taken. I mean, when you imagine feelings it is not an accurate sort of thing because it is based on limited experiences. I talked to the bishop last night. Jim and I did together. He came over a little after 9:30pm and we had some small talk. Then, with some nervousness and sincerity, he asked us about our faith. Jim very eloquently told his story. I stumbled through unorganized pieces of a narrative I haven't really constructed. I wanted to be open and honest. I returned my questionable temple recommend to him partly with relief and partly with regret. Not that I ever want to go to the temple again - I think the regret had more to do with my getting it in the first place (was I dishonest because of the mental gymnastics I had to do in my interviews back in January?). I was uncomfortable. But I had no other desires than to make myself plain to him. No matter what it meant he would do or think about me. And now I feel more anxious. Which is not what I expected, but it is what it is and I must deal with it now. My secret doubts are no longer secret to my bishop.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
wow, I really respect you A LOT for having the courage to do this face to face with your bishop.
It was almost two years ago that I mailed my temple recommend back to my bishop (wrote a long rambling post about it all here)... but yah, I didn't have the guts to actually talk to him about it.
And even now, two years later, I have yet to have a conversation about this with a church leader. They themselves haven't felt inclined to do more than dance around the subject with me. Part of me really wishes it would happen...
But, I'm rambling.
First of all, you are in my thoughts. I hope the anxiety decreases soon. I'm sure it will.
And I'm VERY curious as to the outcome of the of this meeting, what was your bishop's reaction?
I'm curious why your bishop came over with a question about your testimony. And what do you see happening from here on out?
And how do you feel now? Better?
First of all, he is a pretty new bishop (only in the calling for about 18 months) and a pretty young bishop (I think he's 29 now? and he's a graduate student), so lots of humility there. I think I felt brave because of those reasons, and because we are pretty much strangers, with me being so new.
The reason he came by was to "get to know us better" but he had received an email from us (via his counselor who was about to extend callings to us) that explained how we were attending, but not believing, and didn't feel comfortable having callings that would require teaching things we didn't believe. (We had told the counselor to feel free to send this email to the bishop, but that we'd like to keep it pretty confidential). So, I imagine he was curious as to what we believed, how the changes of faith happened, and what our covenants meant to us now.
He was pleasant, humble, and thanked us for being open and honest. He expressed 1) "concern" for our family and 2) that since we had stated that we had no desire to announce our doubt-imonies to the church members or deconvert our friends (Jim's wording), he saw no reason to worry about discipline (which are the only 2 things he said that made me bristle). But with some emotion in his voice, he expressed love for our family and the desire to help us in any way we needed, church related or not.
My impression is that he is a nice guy and is just doing his best to be a bishop. I like him. I don't know what this whole thing means about where I fit in the ward and if it will affect it. But a big part of me would be hurt to be excluded in some way. And also, this kind of conversation makes me wonder why I even want to be part of the church here. Which is why I still feel some anxiety about it.
This Jim guy sounds like a real winner. Just a solid stud. I bet he could beat up your bishop if he wanted to.
I'm glad you have a nice young bishop. Though it is disturbing that he mentioned discipline... I guess I'll just chalk that up to inexperience.
Here's my un-asked for advice. You may want to think about taking the offense and telling him what callings you'd like to have. I did that with humanitarian, and it's been a winner for me. I serve on my terms and that works for me. Do you know what callings you'd be comfortable with?
You know, I have never met personally with the bishop in the six years I've lived in this state (and I'm on my second bishop). I avoided (non-confrontationally) meeting my first year, and they never tried again. Even my callings have all been extended by bishop's counselors.
I'm very involved with the women in the ward but -- as someone who goes to church without her husband -- I have almost no interaction with the men in the ward. I bet only a handful would know my name. I requested no hometeachers years ago, and that hasn't been revisited. I'm not sure how conscious all this was on my part, but I can't say I'm displeased with the arrangements. I've always been more comfortable with Mormon Women than Mormon Men. . .
Post a Comment